No one likes a nag, and no one likes to be a nag. I can assure you that it’s no fun to be constantly reminded of things that you had agreed to do, but hadn’t yet done. Or to be scolded for doing something that you said you wouldn’t do. The response would generally be one of defensiveness, justification, none of which will do much to relieve you resentment in response to your feeling of being treated like a child.
As many of us have noticed, it’s much easier to see and focus on what the other person is doing wrong than it is to recognize and address one’s own part in the scenario. Consequently, it’s easier for the nagger to see why the other person needs to be reminded, corrected, or reprimanded, and for the naggee to feel justified in responding with defensiveness, resentment and anger. Unfortunately in most cases, such responses do little to address the underlying issues that need to be attended to.
When it comes to men, nagging gets you no where…fast. Knowing the difference between “nagging” and “nudging” does.
Nagging is something the average woman resorts to, only perpetuating the idea of getting what you want through constant and continual criticism. Nudging your man in the right direction is a subtle art that only the most skilled of wives and girlfriends have mastered that employs “suggestions”, combined with positive reinforcement and appreciation.
Nagging builds resentment, annoyance, and negativity. Nudging gives your guy a shove so gentle, he almost thinks he made the decision himself (key in getting any man to do what you want).
Take for example he doesn’t acknowledge your birthday.
A nagger would tell him what a disappointment he is—placing the emphasis on the man instead of the disappointing gesture. The nagger tends to make the man feel badly about himself instead of just focusing on the issue at hand.
A nudger on the other hand would tell him how important celebrating her birthday is—give an example of the perfect celebration, ideally even something he did for her a previous year—and plant the seed for the next one. A nudger is patient.
John Gottman, renowned researcher about successful couples, claims that women bring up relationship issues 85% of the time. Men seem to be able to more easily put these issues in a compartment and be less bothered by them than women. Simply bringing up a relationship issue can be for some men considered nagging. Gottman suggests that the way the issue is initially presented, particularly in regard to whether or not there is blame, which is either implicitly or explicitly expressed, significantly impacts the response to the introduction to the complainer’s concern.
Deep, compassionate, committed listening is what breaks the dark spell. Out of the emotional connection, understanding, a newfound cooperation, more trust, peace of mind, and ease is present in the relationship and in your life in general. In establishing this connection, the kinds of action steps that will deepen trust and understanding will become evident to both partners.
So learn to point out your partners shortcomings in a gentle and loving way. You don’t always have to throw a tantrum.
Am i totally wrong? Where did i miss it? Let’s here your views people.
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